Self-Reflection calls for Vulnerability

For this work of self-reflection, deep vulnerability is needed – not with the intent to wallow, but to acknowledge the wounded-ness of self and hear it’s pain. And to give it the love and acceptance for which it has been longing.

We are loaded with so much information before we can be given a say, to make our own choice, or to comprehend that it is “not me” that is inputting this information into us but the other person’s perspective through which they are responding. Religion, family structure, parental likes and dislikes are like software running in the background of our lives.

It’s easy to gloss this over, because it happened so long ago. But think about it… When did you learn to talk? To walk? To eat with a spoon? To laugh?  You learned so much in the first few years of life, you were like a sponge. Then on top of that, we humans are hard-wired from birth to read body language and facial expressions, hear inflections and subtle meaning behind the words.  We are also hard-wired to belong to the group, aka family, in order to survive.  

We are in relationship with each other from the moment we arrive on this planet. Sometimes is takes a while to fully get just how deeply we are ingrained to one another.   What does this all mean for self-awareness?  

My Story – or me being Vulnerable

When I was an infant, my parents realized something “wasn’t right” with me.  By the time I was a week old, they had gone to multiple pediatricians to find out what was wrong.  The last one, the one that saved my life, told them to take me straight to the emergency department.  Come to find out, I had a staph infection and my tiny body was fighting hard to beat it. I was in the hospital for 19 days, I was baptized there because they thought I would die from it.  I had an IV in my head for the entire length of my stay. For that entire time, the entirety of the 19 days, my legs and arms were strapped down and my head was held in place with sandbags. For 19 days. Growing up, I heard this story so many times that it became software that was running behind the scenes, with undetected ramifications.

When a child repeatedly hears how she almost died, it’s no wonder she thinks she will die young and that she has a sense of urgency to get her life’s work done.  Is it any wonder that she can’t fall asleep on her back? That she hates anything that holds her down or encumbers her movement, especially while sleeping? This is just how this childhood event has shaped my adult life. When left unchecked, I can become a relentless pursuer of worrying, needing to get my to-do list done, or feel like I’m five-minutes behind ‘schedule’ and if I just hurry up, I’ll catch up. But by owning this story, this event that happened to me at such a tender age, I can truly let it go. I am aware of it’s affects on me and my relationships with those around me. I can check myself and nip any damage before it happens. But our cat still cannot sleep with us because I need to move my legs freely while I sleep. Sorry, not sorry, Kitty.

5 Closest Relationships

This can also be true for your current adult relationships.  There is a business philosophy that says a person’s ability and future is the average of their five closest relationships. If you don’t like your average you need to change up those you hang around with. But what happens when you can’t change those around you, like, for instance, you are in the middle of a pandemic.  Do you have relationships with people that are energy vampires? Or are they with people who lift you up and support you?  Take a look, be truthful with yourself.  Bless and release those who are pulling you down.  Not that you have to walk away from the relationship, but you do have to protect yourself and your mindset.  Emotionally self-regulate when you are around them, often.  

When we are living in the same house, we pretty much are swimming in the same soup.  Unless you are a master of emotional self-regulation and remain so regulated without any diffusion of that regulation, you will be affected by those closest to you.  This includes your parents, siblings, roommates, spouse, and children.  The closer people are to you, the more likely you are to be pushed and pulled by them.  

Self-awareness of how others affect you calls for vulnerability.  Many self-help teachers rail against this…that you shouldn’t allow others to affect you, that you are the ‘captain of your ship.’  Yes, I do agree with this idea.  And yes, you ARE the captain of your ship.  But I am of the mindset that unless we ‘get real’ about this fact, we will be only doing half the work.  

Get Real with It

We WILL be pushed and pulled out of our center.  This is because we live on a planet with 7 billion other people. And if you’re reading this, most likely you’re not on some mountaintop sanctuary where there are no responsibilities.  I know for me, I’m a mother, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister/cousin, business owner, employee and minister in New Jersey, the most densely populated state in the nation. In my house, there are three generations of people, one dog and one cat. When anyone in my house is off their center and says or does something ‘drainful’ (a mix of draining and painful), it can throw routines, emotions and schedules out of whack. When you are aware of this effect on yourself, and you can see how you are affected, you can then truly start to control what pulls you out of center. 

By sitting with my story of my infancy and realizing how it is an undercurrent of my life, my software running in the background, the pea under my mattress, I could see where it was showing up in my life; not saving for retirement, feeling like I was running out of time, marrying my first husband at 21.  It also shows up by keeping my worry button pressed, my needing to get everything done “right now, at the same time” (impossible!), and yes, the cat, she hasn’t forgiven me for that one yet.

So maybe the hardest thing to be vulnerable with is how YOU are affecting those around you?  
Watch and observe those with whom you spend time.  Do they leave you with a genuine smile or are they looking like they just walked through a minefield?  

The point is…

The point of all this is that we need to be gentle, yet completely honest with ourselves when we are looking to find answers about why we do the things we do.  And if you can use light-hearted humor to do this, you are a master. Becoming aware of the software running in the background usually has been laid down before you knew it was there.  And so has everyone else’s.  Yes, you’re parent’s too, so don’t blame them outright. When we become aware of this, we have more compassion for ourselves and each other.